I lack discipline

I have a confession.

I am the world’s most impulsive shopper.

Whenever I see something I want, I buy it, especially if I have extra money during the month that isn’t earmarked for any particular purpose. Happens all the time, and as hard as I’ve tried to control it, my impulsive habits eventually break through.

This is why I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can never and should never use credit cards.

Plain and simple: I just don’t have the self-control I need to only use them to earn airline miles and then promptly pay it off the next month. It might start out that way, but there’s no way I could keep up the charade. Sooner or later, I would see something I want (but that I don’t necessarily need), and I wouldn’t have the money for it right away. Well, rather than wait until I do have the money, I’d buy it; all the while pretending to convince myself that I would just pay it off when the next bill came. That might work; once or twice. Eventually though, I would lose control until I am several hundred dollars in the hole. Truthfully, I’m sure that’s all the more serious it would get, but I really don’t want to take the chance of having it turn out differently.

Sadly, that’s not the only area of life that my lack of discipline gets the best of me.

When it comes to eating well, and working out, my ability to stick to a strict routine leaves much to be desired. I’m not sure if I get bored or irritated first.

To be fair, it’s not the working out part that I struggle with. It’s the getting up at 4:30 AM to do said workout that irritates me. I’m tired, and a night owl to boot, so the thought of waking up with the birds doesn’t exactly elicit feelings of excitement. Of course, the days I do make it out of bed, I am ALWAYS happy to have made the commitment; I just haven’t made it enough of my routine that I’m used to it yet.

As for the eating well; again, it’s not the action that causes me distress. In truth, I rather enjoy eating healthy foods. It’s just that I absolutely despise keeping track of my intake and counting calories. Why do it then? I don’t know. I guess I just feel like I would have more profound progress if I actually paid attention.

Then again, maybe I’m setting myself up for failure. By giving myself expectations that I know I can’t commit to, I’m completely undermining my ability to make any progress at all. I’ve already told myself I can’t do it, and that won’t help me accomplish anything at all.

So, maybe, instead, I need to think smaller. Choose one of these areas to focus on. Take baby steps, and reward myself when I’ve reached a small, but substantial milestone. That way, I’ll know that it’s possible to commit to a task that requires discipline and I’ll feel more confident in my ability to apply that to other areas of my life.

So, this week I’ll start. I’ll choose one of these areas to really concentrate on, and not let myself get too frustrated about the other areas. I’ll document my progress, and tell you all about the journey.

Stay tuned.

I Need a New Goal

I’m not really sure where to start either.

What I do know is that it has come to my attention that I have finally finished my 365 Blog Challenge. Okay, so it took me about 2 months longer than it should have, but the fact remains, I finally finished it. Now what?

I follow a wonderful blogger who has dedicated herself to writing once a week, rather than the once a day that she had been. She was, and still is, much more dedicated to it than I am. Not that I don’t want to be, but really, I noticed that regardless of how short her blogs were, she always made it a point to write one every day. It was really quite inspiring.

The problem is, I’ve reached, yet another, impasse. I’m more than just a little frustrated at the lack of forward motion my lifelong dream is experiencing, but I can only blame myself. As I do every year, I allow myself to get wrapped up in the half a dozen activities that my children want to participate in, and I leave no time for myself. Heck, I’m surprised I’ve found an opportunity to write in the midst of all the running around. Thankfully, though, tonight was mild in comparison to some of the others I’ve seen lately. I know it will only get better too, but for now, I’m hectic every minute of the day, it seems. As it always does though, all of the time spent running to and from activities leaves me little to no time to think about doing something for me, let alone actually accomplishing anything. Truth be told, I really wouldn’t have it any other way, but some days, I wish I had more time. In addition, I am currently studying for a test I’d rather not take. A test that just might keep me at my job a little while longer. A job, that for all intents and purposes, is getting me nowhere closer to my ultimate goal.

Or is it?

I regularly forget that I am acting as sole editor of my company’s newsletter. That has to count for something when my dream is to become a writer in some capacity. I guess it doesn’t help that I only get to play this role once every couple of months, and for a short 2-4 week span of time. I truly am hopeful though that this role will one day help me as I move ever closer to my dream. So, maybe I am moving forward after all. Maybe it’s just more slowly than I would like.

But still, I need a new goal. I need a new way to use my talents. I know I’ve got them, but I also know that 8 weeks out of a year is not enough. I should be doing more. But what? That is where the impasse begins. I’ve never been much of a thinker that way. Never really been good about looking outside of the box for ideas to help me get closer to where I want to go.

Maybe that should be my goal.

A year ago, when I started writing, I did it to get experience doing it, so I didn’t feel so weird. Though I knew I should write, I had never really done it, so it didn’t really feel normal. Well, now it does. Mission accomplished. But now, I need to dig deeper, look harder, and stretch farther. What is my purpose? How should I use my talents to achieve my ultimate goals? Sure, I’m not going to reach that goal overnight, but maybe in a year I can be closer to it than I am right now. Just like I did this past year. It’s worth a shot.

So, that’s my goal. Each week, I’ll find a new way to use my talents, so that rather than using my skills only 8 weeks out of a year, I’m using them 52 weeks. Then, of course, I’ll blog about what I’ve done, or what I’ve thought to do, or maybe the research I’ve conducted. Who knows, but at least I’ll be making progress. And that’s been my goal, all along.

Where Do I Begin?

Though I know this is a constant topic, I can’t help but continue to bring it up. It seems to resurface every couple of days in my world, and I’m having a difficult time figuring out where to start.

I want, and desperately need, to have a garage sale.

On the one hand, we are moving in two and a half short months. I do not want to take all of my belongings with me that I brought to this house. I’m not a hoarder; I’m just a terrible organizer. That statement translates to the fact that I’m not keeping it out of choice, but rather because I can’t seem to focus long enough to begin the process for having a garage sale, or selling things on the Facebook swap pages. Something tells me that will be the best bet for some, or maybe even all, of my stuff.

And on the other hand, I just have too much junk that I don’t need. It’s getting out of control, and the lack of space in this tiny little house is making it worse. I am considering bribing my children with the opportunity of making some money if we can consolidate and get rid of all the things in our house that we no longer need. It’s definitely possible that it will work, but the fact that I can’t focus, I wonder how I will get either of them to do the same.

The part that makes me the most frustrated is that I know plenty of people who don’t seem to have this issue. In fact, I went to a friend’s child’s birthday party the other day of one such friend, which I believe is what reignited the flame. My sister and I walked all around her house and not once did I see piles of clutter, stacks of paper, or random odds and ends out of place. How she keeps it looking so immaculate with two little boys in the house, I will never understand, but it wasn’t even just that. I hate that I can’t look around my house and not see piles of things that aren’t of use, or that I don’t have an organizational system for keeping things safe. And every time I think I’ve started to make progress, a couple of days running around with my children changes that.

One day, maybe I’ll be able to focus long enough to get somewhere, but for now, I’ll just sigh and head off to work.

It’s all about progress

While it may be only a little, I find great pleasure in knowing we are making some sort of progress in my daughter’s room.

My youngest daughter, as I’ve often commented, is far from organized. The result of both myself and her father, it was hopeless from the beginning. To add insult to injury, when she was younger, I always had a hard time making her help clean up when we would spend time with a friend of mine and her children. Why? Not sure. Probably because she was the baby and played that card the way that Mary Lou Retton landed her vault in the 1984 Olympics. Perfectly. Needless to say, it’s been like pulling teeth to get her to clean her room ever since.

But finally, last night, we started to see some results. With my help, we cleaned up, not all, but the majority of the trash on my daughter’s floor. There were a couple food wrappers (she’s terrible about taking food in her room!), some candy from past holidays, papers that at one point I’m sure she thought she needed, and assorted tags and other miscellaneous items. In addition, we started putting things away in the places they needed to go. Unfortunately, she’s been cursed with having the smallest of the three very small rooms in this house, so there really isn’t any place to put most of it, but we did the best we could. Sadly, it’s really a toss-up for whose room is the smallest. So, saying hers is the smallest really isn’t saying much.

She also started going through the toys she has cluttered about her room, and making note of the items she no longer needs/wants, which for her is a big deal. She’s always been a borderline hoarder, but fortunately, I’m seeing proof that it was only a phase. Not only does she actually throw away toys that are broken and useless, but this time, she’s actually earmarking items to be given away that are in good use, but are no longer of use to her. I’d say this is a pretty big step.

So, although we haven’t really done what, in my opinion, is a lot, we’ve done more than I expected to, and she’s done a majority of the actual clean up. I’d call that progress.

Seeing Results!

Tonight, I put on a pair of jeans that didn’t fit me less than two months ago.

What a great feeling that was too. Now, these jeans don’t fit me nearly as well as they did two years ago, but hey, progress is progress.

I remember the last time I tried working out. I didn’t have anything in particular that struck me as important enough to want to keep going. No pair of jeans, no favorite shirt, nothing that made me realize that what I am doing is really worth it after all. Until now.

I remember when I tried the pair of jeans on a couple of months ago, and how I sad I was to realize not only were they tight, but I couldn’t have buttoned them if I wanted to. I didn’t even realize, at that moment, how significant of a role these jeans would play in my life. When I put them on tonight, I didn’t actually think they would fit. I put them on remembering exactly what happened the last time, and jokingly thinking to myself, “Wouldn’t that be great if they fit this time?”. And they did. Talk about an awesome moment too.

And to think. I was just thinking about what I wanted to eat tonight and how I planned on making it a “cheat night”. Not that I’m doing the greatest food-wise, but I do pay a lot more attention to what I consume than I used to. I wanted to eat something terrible. Ya know, splurge a little. It just sounded good.

But not now. This only motivates me to not only keep going, but to try harder. If after less than two months, I am already seeing results, then I guess there is no point in turning back now. It’s like when I quit smoking. I started to feel better and the thought of ruining all of my hard work for a little fun no longer seemed like a good idea. I just couldn’t see trashing all of my progress with one cigarette.

And I’m not going to do that with food now. So, Subway it is. This was just the motivation I needed