Doing What I’m Meant to Do

There are times I’m hard on myself.

I feel like by this point in my life, I should have accomplished so much more. I should have a career, making money, doing something with my life. Strangely enough, I’m starting to think I was just looking at it all wrong.

On the way to drop my oldest off at rehearsal last night (she’s in a play at the local theater), she and I started talking about the dreams and goals she has for her life. For the longest time, she had decided she wanted to be a veterinarian. Honestly, I think she still does, but her goals have changed somewhat dramatically over the last year to include her recent involvement with theater. Namely, she has decided that when she graduates high school, she wants to attend a performing arts school. She wants to pursue a career in theater and possibly one day make it to Broadway. Now, that’s a pretty lofty dream for a girl of only 13, but I have no doubt in my mind that whatever she sets her mind to, she will be able to accomplish.

Well, while we were talking, I reminded her that whatever she chooses to do, she will want to stay focused on, especially if it’s a dream that won’t come easily. Not that any dreams are easy, necessarily, but this is definitely a dream she’ll need to work hard to achieve. I also told her that when I was her age, I was nowhere near the mind-frame she was at. I had no idea what I wanted to do, and that it wasn’t until just recently that I had started to realize what my personal goals were.

It was at that moment that I realized, perhaps I was doing exactly what I was intended to do because being a mother to both her and her sister was one of the most rewarding jobs I’d ever had. Now, I’m not one of the martyr parents that I despise; however, I do believe what I am doing has a greater value than I probably ever realized. Not that I thought being a parent wasn’t important, but I think, in a way, I just always thought I was meant to do so much more. And honestly, I probably still am. My life is far from over, and considering I only realized my love for writing just a few short years ago, I suppose I should try to keep that in mind when I think about where I’m at or what I’m doing. 

Now, going back to the martyr comment. There are so many parents who act as though once they have children their own lives must come to an end. All of the parents’ hopes and dreams should be placed on a shelf for an indefinite period of time because, now that the children are born, those are the only people who should matter in your life. Forget taking time out for yourself. Forget following your own dreams. If you have kids, your dreams don’t matter.

Well, I disagree. Not entirely, of course, but I also don’t believe that you should stop living just because your children come into the picture. Quite the contrary. I believe that now that you have children, you should continue to live a life that makes you happy and continue to follow the dreams that will get you there. The only caveat is that I don’t believe that should ever come at the expense of the children’s well-being. As long as the children are well taken care of, and their best interests come first, then why would you not what to become the person you are supposed to become? It just doesn’t make sense to me why parents believe that they are less important now that they have children to tend to.

Of course, there are plenty of parents who go completely the opposite direction with this, and I don’t agree with those parents either. Those are the people who never should have had children to begin with because clearly, they have no idea what it means or takes to be a parent.

It seems I have strayed from the point here, haven’t I?

For the longest time, I thought I was living my life wrong. Not doing what I was supposed to, or not achieving all I was meant to achieve. I think I just forget sometimes that without my two, often exhausting, but generally entertaining, life purposes, I wouldn’t have probably ever realized what it meant to truly live.

100%

It’s a guarantee

You’ll miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, 100% of the chances you let pass you by, and 100% of the jobs for which you don’t apply.

Sadly, there’s no guarantee the exact opposite will be true even a fraction of the time. That’s the breaks. It can be a rough pill to swallow too. I know that better than most.

For the second time in the last year, I am dedicating my efforts to looking for a new position, any position really, that will get me closer to my field of study, if not interest. We all know I want to be a writer, but let’s be real, I have to pay the bills, and for a field I’m just delving into, I’d probably better keep my day job. Let’s face it. I’m a single mother, with two kids, one of whom is rapidly becoming a teenager, with a mouth full of metal and an expensive private high school education on the horizon. Yes, so some of that is my fault. She didn’t have to go to an all-girls private school that will cost me an arm, a leg, and three vital organs, but, in my opinion, it was leaps and bounds better than the public school alternative. That makes it worth it.

Moving on.

The truth is, I wouldn’t have gone for a degree in Marketing if I didn’t have an interest in it. Of course, I would have much rather gotten a degree in “How to Become Nicholas Sparks”, but they don’t offer that curriculum, so I had to pick something a little more functional. Something with real-world value. The part I’m struggling with, is how to get a position in this field without any real-world experience. It’s not easy, but I suppose part of me wouldn’t want it to be.

Even still, I can’t let the lack of a guaranteed return on my investment stop me from pursuing my goals. I have to accept that in order to succeed, I must first fail. I must seek out every opportunity to be great knowing that while I may not attain the success I so desperately sought, I will have succeeded in not allowing another opportunity pass me by. I will have forever changed the trajectory of my life because I chose to live rather than simply wait to die.

That’s the part the keeps me going; the knowledge that my efforts aren’t for nothing. While I may not achieve my goals as soon as I would like, I have no doubt that I will one day achieve exactly what I set out to do because I’ll never stop working toward the chance to make it happen.

52 Weeks ~ Week 2: You have to Start Somewhere

But where?

Sometimes, the journey upon which you are about to embark does not have an obvious starting location; never mind for a minute the lack of clearly marked road to follow.

That can make the jumping off point more than just a little intimidating and the reluctance to begin that much stronger. I have, more than once, applied for jobs in my field of study/area of interest or whatever you want to call it by jumping in with both feet, not really sure where I’m headed or where exactly I’m going. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of plans, and some definite goals, but for now, I’m really just looking for a start. Sadly, I’ve found, that’s easier said than done.

For whatever reason, I haven’t appealed to any of the companies I’ve applied to. Even to the few places that have given me an interview, nothing ever materialized. And that’s very frustrating. So frustrating that for a time I gave up the search altogether. Partially because I couldn’t handle the constant rejection, and partially because I knew I was going at it from the wrong angle. To be honest, I had no clue what angle I needed to be looking at it from either.

That’s where I got the idea for this week’s step.

When all else fails, and you can’t find the right road on your own, look for someone else who has the achieved similar goals to the ones you are going after. There’s absolutely no shame in seeking advice or assistance from those who have traveled the same road. In fact, they may be able to help prevent you from making similar mistakes that, unbeknownst to them, were just unnecessary to the journey, and detrimental to the overall process.

As a writer, I’ve found myself following the blogs of women (and men even) who write about similar topics or have reached goals that one day I hope to achieve myself, or have a style of writing that I can relate to, or just something about them that appeals to me. The goal this week is to reach out to them, if possible, and seek advice in the next stages of my journey. I’m hoping this will give me the confidence and insight that I am looking for to eventually take an even bigger step in the world of writing.

Wish me luck!

Where You End Up Isn’t Nearly as Important as Where You Start

And starting means letting go of the fear that you might fail. 

The truth is, you probably will fail, at least once or twice. And that’s okay because it means that you are trying. You are going after what you know in your heart right. The problem is, there’s no guarantee when you will get there or how long it will take you to achieve what you are after, or even if the outcome will look anything like what you originally envisioned. 

Starting simply means you have a dream and the desire to chase it. There isn’t any right way, or any wrong way, and success isn’t measured by how far forward you go. Success is continuing to move forward even after you’ve fallen. Trying another way, taking another avenue, pushing one more time. Success is knowing what you’re after is worth the fight. 

Over the last several months, my fruitless search for the perfect job has sent me into a spiral of self-reflection. Though I’ve never wondered if I was heading in the right direction, I have started to rethink my approach. I continue to search, day after day, scouring the online ads. I am convinced that what I’m after can be found, and I won’t rest until I’ve taken my first real step. Though it is discouraging to accept this journey will be much more challenging than I would like, I haven’t yet convinced myself I’m ready to give up.

In fact, it is the challenge that keeps my dream alive. Without a challenge, I will become stagnate and bored; robotic in my actions and disengaged from those around me. That is not a life I’m willing to accept. I want more. 

I will accomplish my dreams, and I will achieve all that I am after. Not because it’s going to be easy, and because it will be quick, but because I refuse to settle for anything less.